*All of our episode recaps contain spoilers*
Episode two of our slasher TV adaption began by confirming a long-held belief of mine – teenagers are evil.
The removal of the video from YouTube did little to quash the abuse. If anything, it bred more demon spawn. Rachel scrolled through insult upon insult, driven to the desire to self-harm. Before she could, however, a mysterious caller intervened. She was led to believe it was Audrey, but the bad connection told us otherwise.
Whoever it was, the two raised a valid problem – bitch infestation in schools. Why isn’t ‘bitch terminator’ a legitimate profession? If someone wants to go into business with me, leave a comment. Anyway, not-Audrey led Rachel outside, where a rope was hanging from the balcony. You know what’s coming. Rachel slowly pulled the rope up, and when the noose was in her hand, the masked murderer appeared behind her! He wrapped it around her neck and pushed her over the balcony, making her our third victim. #Slashered.
“With this town's blood soaked history, echoes of Lakewood’s home grown psycho, Brandon James, are everywhere”. That is a snippet from ‘Autopsy of a Crime’, a true crime podcast that follows murder investigations, day by day, as they unfold. The host of the podcast is Piper Shaw, and the current topic is Nina.
All that has unfolded thus far is that Tyler is still missing, and he remains the main person of interest in the investigation.
With no other leads, Sheriff Hudson questioned the most suspicious and, therefore least guilty person – Noah. The conversation reaped no useful information for the Sheriff, but we learnt more about Noah’s obsession with Brandon James. In seventh grade, he had to do a 'nature versus nurture' report, and he felt Brandon would be the perfect subject. He exchanged a few emails with Brandon’s older brother, Troy; and he also tried and failed to identify the mystery girl. When asked if he had ever contacted Emma’s father, he exclaimed “No way! Survivor stalking is seriously rude”. It pleases me to know that good manners still exist in this day and age.
As if an early morning trip to the precinct wasn’t bad enough, Noah had to save Audrey’s ass and talk his own out of trouble a second time. Piper Shaw asked the duo’s opinion of the deceased, to which Audrey responded “Nina was a stone cold bitch who got what she deserved”. Shaw asked to quote her on that for the podcast, but Noah insisted she was “just saying words”. Solid defence. As for saving himself, Noah painted ‘Doosh’ on Jerk’s, I mean Jake’s, car. He denied any involvement when Jake confronted him and focused instead on how the spelling was "a sad statement of the decline of our public schools”. So true, so true.
‘Audrey’s face suck extravaganza’ is now ‘so last week’. A gif of Nina lying face down in her pool with the message ‘Payback’s a bitch’ was circulated around Lakewood. It also featured the masked murderer wearing the infamous Brandon James mask, much to the dismay of the mayor. “You weren’t there back when we were scraping Murderville off our town sign. We now have real economic development. People are moving here. We have a bike path for crying out loud”. A bike path?! Well, I’ll be damned. Lakewood may just be heaven on earth.
Guys, it’s Noah narrative time! Jake remarked that people can’t resist the murder selfie, prompting Noah to explain that that is what the murderer is counting on. “Murder is a lonely game, you know. I mean, say you’re the killer. You sneak into Nina’s house, you skulk around and scare her, and then you kill her. Boom. But then what? Take a victory lap around the pool? You just stand there watching the blood spread out in the water, thinking your crazy guy thoughts? It’s the age of Instagram and YouTube and Tumblr. We need to share the things we do or it’s like it never happened”.
As he finished his speech, Riley received text from a friend of hers. Said friend told her that a girl from her school – St. Marys – had died. Upon hearing the name of the school, Audrey rushed out of the classroom. She called Rachel, but her mom picked up and told her that Rachel was found hanging from her ceiling fan. I know, I know. I’ll explain later, but first I need to take a moment to tell you Brooke’s compassionate reaction to the news. “My friend Caden goes to St. Marys. Apparently Rachel was just a train wreck looking for a station”. Is she the worst person ever? She is. She is the worst person ever.
Now for the moving of the body. The masked killer hung Rachel from her ceiling fan to make it look as if she committed suicide, but his plan failed. After conducting the first part of the autopsy, Margret determined that Rachel’s injuries didn’t make sense with where they found her. Her neck snapped, meaning she would have had to have fallen from much higher. To further complicate things, Emma told her mother that she could have stopped the video being released.
Our guilty by association good girl was bestowed the honour of the ‘I know she’s not going to die, so why are we dancing this dance’ scene this episode. Will appeared as she was making a run for it, narrowly escaping a wooden plank beheading. Someone, pretending to be Emma, sent him a text asking him to meet her after work. Though it was not her who sent it, he took advantage of the situation and sweet talked her into coming to his basketball game. “It was just one time”. “My dad is out of control”. “I’m under a lot of pressure”. Whatever, we don’t care.
No, wait. Yes, we do. Emma went to game. Luckily, Kieran was on hand to sully Will’s apology. Emma told him about the incident at the coffee shop, and his first reaction was to question the timing of Will’s arrival. “It’s classic. Messes with your head and then rescues you. Did he ask you for one little favour? Something that tugged at your heart strings”. Love. This. Guy.
On the subject of relationships, Noley (Riley and Noah) are the just the cutest. Earlier in the episode, Riley asked Noah on a stargazing date. While everyone was at the basketball game, the two of them were having their date on the football pitch. Noah made an impassioned case against shoe-horning romance into genres, and Riley said “What about The Walking Dead? They’re not rushing the romance. They’ve spent five seasons letting Daryl and Carol fall in love”. WHAT? That is so not what is happening between the two of them. How dare she! And then when Noah jokingly replied, “Right, because we’re all watching the zombie show to see if the hick and the housewife will sleep together”, she said that is why she watches it. Again, WHAT? Seriously, what is happening right now? I can’t. I just can’t. She asked him if he was a virgin, he said he was a man-slut, they kissed; the end.
The masked killer is quite the conversationalist. Have you ever known of a person to break into a house so that they could then call the resident as an employee of the alarm company? So original. Emma asked him to stay on the line with her until the patrol car arrived, and the two had a conversation about her favourite TV shows.
And then began the crazy. Step one – getting in her head. When Emma told him that she can barely sleep anymore, he replied “You do look tired”, before rephrasing as “You sound tired”. Step two – the reveal. Emma asked him if the patrol car was near whilst locking an open window. He said, “What you should really be asking is, did you just lock me out or in?”. Final step – the threat. “I want to show you the truth, Emma. About who you really are. And trust me, it’s going to hurt. I know that everyone you trust is lying to you. Playing you. Your two-faced friends. Your fraud of a family. Your whore of a mother. It all started with her, Emma. But it’s going to end with you”. DRAMAAA.