*All of our episode recaps contain spoilers*
Piper regained consciousness. Will is alive. Bi-curious and The Virgin are reunited. Margaret and Hud are sickeningly sweet (more sick than sweet). Emma and Kieran are a cringeworthy type of cute. All is well. Too well.
In case you were wondering; no, Audrey did not get traded for a pack of cigarettes, or get chin-checked and she definitely did not wear the four piece. Ah, the Lakewood suspects experience – a non-event. Not that Noah has any events to report of either. Mr. B’s fingerprints provided no information, and they can’t report him for malware because it has been removed. What’s more, Branson wasn’t in school. But there is a silver lining to that; the presence of a substitute teacher opened Noah up for a beautiful joke – “The sub-plot thickens”. It causes me a great deal of emotional pain that he is not my best friend.
Our killer is in happier spirits; or rather he is more roguish than usual. He piqued Emma’s interest in Will’s whereabouts by sending her the following text from his phone, ‘tried to make things right last night. I failed. So sorry’. Emma questioned Tweedledum and Tweedledee and they enlightened her as to Will’s role in the blackmailing of Mayor Maddox. Before she could process that bomb of information, Piper appeared and dropped another. She told all three about her and Will’s plan, the arrival of the masked murderer, and how Will saved her. Did he, Piper? Did he actually? I’m sure he was in the murderer’s knife slaying line. But whatever - give credit where credit is not due. She took them to the abandoned factory where the killer had left a message on the wall – NO COPS EMMA. What? No Sheriff Hudson or Detective Brock? Don’t tease me like that!
In a game of hide and seek against the killer, who would you want on your team? NOAH. Our tech genius tracked Will’s phone to a place out past the crossroads; and so Emma, Noah, and the self-invited Brooke and Weasel went to rescue their ‘friend’. Much to Emma’s luck, their escapade coincided with the awkward double date of sorts organised by her mother. As of late, it has troubled me how much joy I derive from the gorier parts of this show. Since Kieran has become more suspect, however, my love for him has wavered. So, I’m not as disturbed as I thought I was, right? Just agree, please. Anyway, Kieran called Emma to find out where she was. She decided not to make him privy to the game, but did ask him to cover for her. A mistake, perhaps. He is clearly the sort of person who cashes in IOUs. Everyone knows they’re empty promises.
From now on, any time you are going to do something dangerous you have to say, “Write your blood type on your boots and leave your letters to your loved ones. Let’s shake n’ Jake”. I don’t care if your name is not Jake. It is too great a sentence never to be used again. Weasel said it to Noah, who was unnerved by Emma’s suggestion that the foursome split up so as to find a point of entry. He was soon in his element, however, when Emma posed questions about the killer. She asked why he would change the game, and Noah explained that, “it’s because he’s playing chess instead of checkers. It started with Riley and now Will. He’s making you responsible for who lives or dies. It’s like he wants you to think you have some power and then he can just take it all away”. She then asked why he would not leave a door open if he wanted her to find Will, to which Noah responded, “it’s classic cat and mouse. He likes to play with his food before he eats it”. As he said it, they found a door; and he acknowledged that this killer may like to skip straight to the main course.
Weasel has a theory - he thinks Noah could be the killer. “I’m just saying, on every cop show, there is always that one harmless guy that’s usually the vic’s roommate or her manager at the coffee shop”. It’s ‘who’ not ‘that’s’. If you’re going to accuse Noah, at least be grammatically correct about it. He told Brooke that nine times out of ten, the sweet, funny, and uber smart guy is the killer. Weasel is actually addressing a serious issue here. Would television shows stop making the perpetrator so damn obvious? As much as we love figuring out the ending within ten minutes of a show, we would be honoured to have our minds stimulated.
Noah also has a theory – he thinks Jake could be the killer. He raised the valid question as to why Jake would not have stopped Will meeting Maddox if he suspected that was what he was going to do. Maybe he did stop him - wearing a black raincoat and a Brandon James mask. Noah’s just saying, “playing the fool is a pretty great cover. And he was pretty eager to tromp into danger with the only people who know about what he did, and pack a whole lot of knives”. True, true, and true. But I don’t think Weasel is smart enough to be a serial killer.
Kieran is eating his main course in an abandoned bowling alley, specifically in the place where one makes it all work. Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say Kieran? I meant the killer, but I also meant Kiran. It is no coincidence that the masked killer appeared only after he had left the awkward family dinner. I don’t trust him. Not one bit. I only trust Noah, and Audrey, and maybe Emma. But it is because of Noah that Emma found an unconscious but alive Will. One point for our team!
Should we give the Kieran a point for finding Brooke? Oops, I did it again. I mean the killer (but I also mean Kieran). I don’t think so. If he finds Weasel, I’ll give him a point. Yes, Brooke ran and left her teammate. Don’t judge her. We’re playing a hard core game of hide and seek; if a man has to get left behind, a man has to get left behind. Audrey involuntarily tagged into the game when she called Noah. The connection was bad, but good enough for her to hear their location. She informed Margaret and Hud, and the Lakewood police force got ready to ‘protect and serve’. I would say again, but I don’t recall them having done it before.
Will is alive and engraved. Doesn’t that sound so much nicer than carved? Etched (also better) into his back was a message from Emma – a number and a letter. She sought out the letter/number combination and found Brandon James’ employee timecard and a cassette of her dad labelled ‘PTSD project’. Emma left the other three to go listen to the cassette, and my oh my, what has Margaret been hiding from us! She slept with Brandon and Kevin walked in on them! Not only did I cover my notebook with exclamation marks, my face looked like the shocked emoticon.
From that high we went to an intelligence insulting low. The killer came to the other three’s hideout, and WILL staved him off by pushing his bodyweight in the door. That’s right. An injured Will held off a physically fine killer, while two other physically fine people ran. But wait, it gets better. The killer went after Emma instead, and Will rugby tackled him to the ground. That’s right. Will, who could barely stand, floored a physically fine killer. True to my word, I must give the killer one point. He found Weasel and stabbed him (he’s fine), but I’m afraid the latter doesn’t qualify for points.
I finally have a conspiracy theory! Needless to say, the killer escaped when the cops arrived. But I don’t think he left. He discarded of his black raincoat and mask and appeared as the concerned boyfriend, who just so happened to hear the police call on the scanner. If that were true, why did he burst in from a different entry point? My theory is that Emma’s dad and Kieran’s stepfather are one and the same man, and Kieran is exacting justice on his behalf. Ah, how I have missed the joy of speculation.
My theory is further supported by the final scene of the episode, which broke my heart into a thousand little pieces. Emma and Kieran had a candid discussion and she told him she needed time. One ex left only for another to call, and the two had the cutest phone conversation. Wow, I am so fickle… Emma agreed to have a movie and junk food night with Will, but the killer had something else planned. “Game is still on and we’re in the bonus round. I wanted you to have a little pride. Instead, you forgave his lies, just like Daisy did all those years ago. I don’t forgive so easily”. He really doesn’t. He tied Will to a chair and set him in front of a tractor/chainsaw hybrid; and when Emma went to save him, she triggered a tripwire! We only saw Emma splatter with A LOT of blood, but the image has burned my eyes, and I don’t know who I am anymore. #SLASHERED.
Bi-curious and The Virgin’s theory – Audrey thinks because Will was kidnapped and Jake was stabbed, it is safe to take them off the killer board. Noah believes that is exactly what it was meant to do. “Jake is on the mend. Will’s wounded warrior act made Emma forgive his sins. Either one of them could have set up this entire fiasco just to convince us to trust them”. (Mine is so much better).